


It's... Batman!

by Smokey310



Series: Stupid boys talking and maybe some smut [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Foursome - M/M/M/M, Humor, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 04:14:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5033308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smokey310/pseuds/Smokey310
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Just open it, Tsukishima. You don't want to be seen with this partly undressed group in the hallway, I'm sure.”</p><p>“Tell me what's in there first.”</p><p>“It's...”</p><p>“Batman!” shouted Bokuto, but everyone ignored him.</p><p>“It's just a bug”, said Akaashi. “Fuku-chan probably ate it already. No need to be afraid.”</p><p>“That would be very reassuring if you weren't trembling like a heroin addict on cold turkey.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's... Batman!

**Author's Note:**

> This fic now has beautiful [art](http://kurumegane.tumblr.com/post/139572883617/ive-been-repeatedly-reading-smokey310s-its) by [kurumegane](http://kurumegane.tumblr.com/)! I'm still crying about it!

„Seriously, what are they doing?“ asked Kuroo when the stomping and clattering and rumbling upstairs finally started to grate on his nerves. Kenma, still unfazed, kept staring at his phone’s screen and didn’t even seem to hear the ruckus from above.

“Isn’t this normal?” he said after a while. Apparently he finally beat whatever virtual monster he had battled and was able to address his roommate (who was very used to this lag in conversation).

Kuroo considered his words for a moment and tried to listen for any evidence of normality. Granted, it wasn’t easy to tell an elephant stampede from Bokuto taking a shower, noise-wise, but Kuroo had enough experience to notice the distress in the steps above. What really gave the situation away, though, was that there were obviously two pairs of feet scurrying around and the screaming also sounded like two different voices. One voice especially triggered every alarm bell in Kuroo’s head and even Kenma let his gaze wander to the ceiling for a second.

“Was that Akaashi?”

But Kuroo had already dashed to the door, not even caring about the carefully stacked tower of empty pizza cartons he just ran through. He arrived at Bokuto and Akaashi’s door two seconds later, a piece of gnawed-on pizza-crust stuck in his bedhair and wearing nothing but boxer shorts and one sock.

“What’s going on?” he announced upon walking in without bothering to knock and only slightly flinched when two whole people and a bird came flying at him. The bird immediately landed on his head to annihilate the pizza-crust.

“Kuroo! Get it out, get it out, get it out!” shouted Bokuto, who had never learned that not all things needed to be said three times in a row. It certainly didn’t make Kuroo understand any better, because he just ignored the bird in his hair and turned around to his two friends who were covering in fear behind him, both staring at him with wide eyes.

“I'm not afraid of Fuku-chan, he's just a stupid little owl.”

“It’s not an owl!” said Akaashi with a whisper.

“Who cares, cockatoo, owl, penguin…” Kuroo lifted a hand to pet the fluffy bird on his head. “He’s just trying to show his love, no need to run away screaming.”

“It’s not a bird!” said Akaashi in the same kind of whisper – one full of fear. Kuroo had realized it in the same moment. When he had lifted his hand to pet the bird, he felt a soft, silky body and not the pain of a sharp beak picking at his fingers. The real Fuku-chan chose this moment to imitate Bokuto’s boisterous laugh in his creepy bird-way from another corner of the flat and Kuroo secretly hoped that he would soon fly out of an open window and brutally perish in a wild ventilating shaft.

“What…” said Kuroo, swallowing, “what’s on my head?”

“It’s… Batman,” whispered Bokuto earnestly.

“I am going to fucking stab you!” whispered Kuroo just as earnestly.

“We first thought it was a bat,” said Akaashi, “but it wasn’t. It wasn’t a bat.”

“Akaashi, even if it’s you, I’m going to kill you if you don’t tell me what’s sitting on my head right the fuck now!”

“It’s a mutant!” said Bokuto and moved further away to press against the door. “Kuroo, I’m so sorry, but I promise to keep your secret if that thing bites you and you need to spend the rest of your life running around town in a skin-tight onesie!” That said, he fled out the door and Akaashi followed him down three flights of stairs, where they pressed themselves into a corner and clung to each other. Kuroo finally couldn’t stand the goosebumps anymore and gathered all of his courage to swipe a hand over his head. The hand collided with a big, solid body and the _thing_ – which was definitely not a bird – fluttered away, into the flat. Kuroo actually gagged.

“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod”, he shuddered violently and almost fell down the stairs when he tried to follow his friends. “You assholes! You fucking assholes!”

“It’s not our fault if you break into our flat and the flat fights back,” shouted Bokuto from downstairs. Some people had already opened their doors to see who made so much noise in the hallway but closed them without further questions when they saw Bokuto. Kuroo reached the hugging pair a few seconds later, with murder in his eyes. They weren’t even afraid of him – not after the _thing._

“I can’t believe you’d just leave me there with a giant, man-eating insect!”

“We don’t know if it’s man-eating,” said Akaashi, “but it certainly didn’t have a problem with that pizza-crust.”

Kuroo just shot him a glare. “You know, I wouldn’t have expected this kind of behavior from you. Aren’t you usually so calm and collected?”

“I hate things that fly.”

“You literally own a pet bird!”

“I hate insects that fly. And insects that crawl. And insects that slither. I hate insects, okay?”

“You wimp.”

“Don’t insult Akaashi when you just ran down here screaming,” Bokuto defended his roommate-slash-boyfriend. “Didn’t you come to help us out? Now we just lost sight of it and can never return to our home. We’ll have to move in with you and Kenma.”

“I wouldn’t even care if you had to live on the streets, I’d never let any one of you near Kenma.”

“That’s brutal.”

“Maybe Kenma can help getting rid of the thing, though?” suggested Akaashi. “If we told him it was a Pokémon…”

Kuroo couldn't believe that Akaashi would go to such lengths and deceive a nice person like Kenma but then he was suddenly more concerned with the fact that it would probably work. “Just keep him out of this,” he said, just to be sure. “Let’s not make it his problem, too. It’s enough that you had to involve me in your bullshit.”

“You walked into that one all by yourself!” shouted Bokuto and underlined his outburst by boxing Kuroo in the shoulder. For a moment Kuroo actually considered starting a fight, but Akaashi’s senses had already been tingling and he stepped between the two. 

“I know who we could ask. This task calls for someone who would be way too embarrassed to lose his cool in such a situation, so…”

And as if he were speaking of the devil, a snide voice suddenly sounded from the bottom of the stairs, asking what the hell they thought they were doing. All three of them exchanged a look before they turned towards the voice, Kuroo and Bokuto already beaming.

“People associate me with you, you know?” said Tsukishima, watching them suspiciously before climbing the stairs. “Can’t you try to not get the whole block involved in your drama for once?”

“The whole block is going to be in deep shit if that thing starts laying eggs, so they’d better be thankful that we’re trying to come up with a master plan,” explained Bokuto and Tsukishima already looked as if he were fighting a headache. 

“I really don’t want to ask,” he said. 

“Just come with us, you’ll see,” said Akaashi, because he knew Tsukishima would trust him and this situation was worth losing that trust forever. As he predicted, Tsukishima just gave a long-suffering sigh before following him up the stairs. Bokuto and Kuroo patiently waited until he passed them and then climbed up behind him, using him as a human shield. Tsukishima didn't even question it. 

“And now?” he asked, when they arrived in front of their flat and nobody moved to open the door. 

“Um... just go inside,” said Akaashi, but Tsukishima suddenly started to suspect something. 

“Why? What's in there?”

“You know what's a way better question?” Kuroo piped in from behind, trying to change the subject. “Why is nobody questioning the fact that I'm wearing nothing but boxer shorts?”

“And a sock,” said Bokuto.

“And some pizza crumbs,” said Akaashi.

Tsukishima just shrugged. “I figured you were having another orgy.”

“We'd never have an orgy without you!” Kuroo sounded shocked. “Right guys?”

Bokuto didn't seem to be as convinced. “I have quite a lot of orgies with Akaashi, you know?”

“It's not an orgy if it's just the two of us,” said Akaashi, but he apparently didn't like to talk about that subject, because he gently pushed Tsukishima closer to the door and prepared himself to get down to business by hiding behind him as well. “Just open it, Tsukishima. You don't want to be seen with this partly undressed group in the hallway, I'm sure.”

“Tell me what's in there first.”

“It's...”

“Batman!” shouted Bokuto, but everyone ignored him.

“It's just a bug”, said Akaashi. “Fuku-chan probably ate it already. No need to be afraid.”

“That would be very reassuring if you weren't trembling like a heroin addict on cold turkey.”

“He's a wimp,” said Kuroo and Bokuto nodded sagely, but the effect was dimmed by the fact that both of them were hiding behind the stairs. Tsukishima shot them a glare over his shoulder. Luckily, he had lost the patience for this discussion and finally reached for the doorknob. Everything was quiet when he opened the door, apart from Akaashi's little shriek. Tsukishima raised an eyebrow when he felt Akaashi clutching his shirt from behind and gently nudging him forward. He didn't let go even when Tsukishima passed the doorstep and went inside the flat. 

“What the hell happened here?” asked Tsukishima. The whole interior of the flat seemed to be upside-down. “Was Bokuto playing the floor is lava again?”

“I don't think everything was upside-down before we ran away,” whispered Akaashi. Tsukishima still looked unimpressed.

“This is really unlike you. You didn't smoke anything weird, did you?”

Akaashi still refused to let go of his shirt, but he started to look annoyed. “Why do I always have to be the composed one? I can flip my shit once in a while.”

“Flip your shit whenever you please, but maybe you should find a boyfriend who can balance it out,” Tsukishima said pointedly as Bokuto entered the flat while making pseudo-karate poses in every direction. One of the poses apparently consisted of two raised middle fingers. Behind him, Kuroo was crawling over the threshold, still in his underwear.

“Yours isn't necessarily better, you know?” said Akaashi, shooting both of them blank looks and Tsukishima turned around again, face growing red. 

“I never said he was my boyfriend!” 

A hurt sounding “Tsukki!” was once again ignored while the whole group moved further into the flat to look for clues of a giant insect fluttering about. Akaashi's grip on Tsukishima tightened when they reached the living room.

“We should just ditch them and start our own affair,” he proposed in a panicked voice. “And I'm serious as long as you get rid of every spider and bug that enters this place.”

“Maybe you should start a relationship with your bird, then,” said Tsukishima, but he allowed Akaashi to throw his arms around his middle and press his face between his shoulder-blades and didn't even look annoyed by it. Maybe because it was really hard to be annoyed at Akaashi and he was kind of cute when he was so out of his element. Bokuto and Kuroo didn't entirely agree.

“I can get rid of even more spiders and bugs than him, Akaashi! I'm not actually afraid of them, I was just acting it, so you wouldn't feel stupid. It's because I'm an amazing boyfriend,” shouted Bokuto.

“You did just call me stupid, though.”

Bokuto groaned loudly while Kuroo and Tsukishima secretly snickered – until a strange noise sounded from the kitchen and everyone was suddenly dead quiet. It had sounded like a soft whine – not a noise a bug should be able to make.

“What was that?” wondered Kuroo, but Bokuto was already running past him, yelling “Fuku-chan!”

The other three needed a few seconds longer to reach the kitchen and found Bokuto kneeling on the floor and freaking out because his cockatoo was lying on his back, one wing dramatically spread and his thick, creepy bird-tongue hanging out of his beak. Tsukishima could have seen that he was just playing dead without his glasses on, but Bokuto was frantically pumping on a chicken breast. 

“Fuku-chan, what did Batman do to you? Don't go into the light! You guys, do you think it's possible to give a bird mouth-to-mouth?”

“I'm glad that I have context for this string of sentences,” said Kuroo while Bokuto bent down to reanimate his bird and got his nose bitten for his troubles. Fuku-chan gave his worst imitation of Bokuto's laugh while fluttering out of the room and left Bokuto with a betrayed look on his face. 

“I can't believe you still fall for that,” sighed Akaashi and bent down to pull his boyfriend back onto his feet and to inspect his nose. Tsukishima and Kuroo went back to scanning the room for the bug-thing.

“That stupid insect can't possibly be any worse than the bird,” whispered Tsukishima when he felt sure that Akaashi and Bokuto weren't listening. Kuroo nodded sullenly. 

“I tried being nice to it so far, but it's time that thing gets accidentally locked in the oven.”

“Or not so accidentally. I'm thinking Hansel and Gretel bread crumbs style.”

“Bokuto wouldn't suspect a thing – he falls for the dead-Fuku-chan-play every week.”

“We just have to make sure that Akaashi is out of the house.”

Kuroo suddenly beamed at Tsukishima, who acted as if he was blinded by it. “What?” he said.

“It's so romantic how we're planning a bird assassination together. This really calls for some wild and triumphant making-out, don't you think?”

Tsukishima groaned and made a face, which was pretty much the Tsukishima-way of saying “okay”, so Kuroo grabbed him by the hip and pulled him closer, all bugs and birds and other people in the room suddenly forgotten. They hadn't really reached the “wild and triumphant” stage in their make-outs yet, at least not while completely sober, so their kiss was chaste at most, but Kuroo couldn't stop smiling anyway.

“Do you really not think we're boyfriends?” he asked between kisses and Tsukishima snorted.

“We never even had a date or something.”

“We had a lot of _or somethings_!” Kuroo protested. “We hang out all the time, so those can all be counted as dates.”

“So right now you're taking me on a bug-hunting trip to Bokuto and Akaashi's flat? So romantic...”

“I know, right?” Kuroo grinned and leaned in for another kiss, but this time Tsukishima interrupted him.

“Speaking of bugs – you were all running around in a frenzy just a few minutes ago, so this probably isn't the right time to be making out.”

Kuroo turned around to where Bokuto and Akaashi were lying on top of each other on the kitchen table and shrugged. “They certainly think it is,” he said, “and I don't see why they should have any more right to have a make-out session in the middle of a battle field when it's their fight to begin with.”

“True,” said Tsukishima. “But as their friends I believe we should at least warn them of incoming attacks.”

Kuroo had seen the _thing_ right as Tsukishima mentioned it and gave a shriek so loud that even Bokuto's neighbors couldn't stand it and were rapping on the walls from three different sides. Not even Bokuto and Akaashi could continue snogging undisturbed by all that noise, so they broke apart just in time for Bokuto to witness the _thing_ flying right at him, followed by a skillet that Kuroo was swinging after it. The _thing_ managed a dangerous-looking stunt through Bokuto's uneven landscape of hair without hitting anything. The skillet didn't. It hit Bokuto right in the face.

“Fuck, Kuroo!” yelled Bokuto while falling backwards from the table and hitting the back of his head on a chair. It was a miracle that he wasn't unconscious after that, but it probably wasn't possible for Bokuto to be quiet enough for unconsciousness. “What the fuck was that for?” he demanded. “Shit, that hurts!”

“I'm sorry, bro! Though your thick skull can probably take it,” shouted Kuroo while chasing the huge bug into the living room. After a second, some clattering could be heard and Kuroo came running back. Somehow he had lost his skillet and the bug came flying after him, obviously out for revenge. Akaashi still lay on the kitchen table, frozen from fear and Tsukishima, who was always content with being as unhelpful as possible, observed everything from his corner of the kitchen and snickered at Kuroo's and Bokuto's fumbling and stumbling. 

“Shit! This is just like the time when we were attacked by that weird spider-thingy that had three heads and kept waving around the dead body of a mosquito!” yelled Kuroo. Tsukishima and Bokuto gave him a blank stare and even Akaashi interrupted his fear-induced paralysis to squint at him. Kuroo paused for a moment.

“You know...” he said, “I just realized that I must have dreamed this scene, but up until I said it out loud, I was sure it actually happened.”

Tsukishima just sighed and watched the bug flutter into the open bathroom, ignoring Kuroo's whisper of “it just felt so real?” and closing the door with a fateful click. Bokuto and Akaashi gave a round of applause.

“Awesome, Tsukishima! Now we can smoke him out!”

“It would be just like you to burn the house down because of a bug,” Tsukishima sighed. Watching Kuroo chase the bug with a skillet, he had gotten an idea how to get rid of him, so he went and started to rummage through the kitchen cabinets. “Can somebody get me some duct tape?” he asked after he had found what he had been looking for: a sieve and three sturdy looking spatulas. Akaashi finally got down from the kitchen table and went to get the duct tape for him.

“What are you doing?” asked Bokuto curiously. 

“Well, now that I got a better look at your _thing_ , I saw that it was just some kind of moth or butterfly. A huge one – maybe it escaped from some zoo, who knows. Anyway – how do you catch a butterfly?”

“Cheese!” said Bokuto. 

Kuroo rolled his eyes. “That's mice. Cartoon-mice, even.”

“I was thinking of a net,” explained Tsukishima. Akaashi was finally back with the duct tape and Tsukishima started working on his impromptu butterfly-net, which was basically just a spatula duct taped to another spatula duct taped to a third spatula duct taped to the sieve. It didn't look very robust, but Kuroo and Bokuto were still acting as if Tsukishima were some kind of genius.

“Couldn't we just use a mug?” Akaashi interjected skeptically and earned a disdainful look from Tsukishima.

“And who exactly would like to get close enough to that thing to put a mug over it?”

That shut Akaashi up – mostly because he recognized how Tsukishima's behavior had gotten haughty again, which meant that he was getting nervous. Akaashi couldn't blame him for that. He was happy as long as he didn't have to interact with the insect anymore. 

“Okay then,” said Tsukishima. “Let's do this!”

They all walked over to the closed bathroom door – Tsukishima with the net-like construction raised like a weapon. “On the count of three we will open the door just enough to look inside and locate the moth,” he instructed. Bokuto and Kuroo nodded earnestly and positioned themselves to either side of Tsukishima. Akaashi grabbed the back of his shirt again and tried to summon enough courage to peek from behind Tsukishima's armpit. 

They actually counted to three before Tsukishima opened the door so little that the moth wouldn't even have fit through. Three pairs of eyes pressed themselves against the slit and scanned the room. 

“It's dark...” Kuroo mentioned after a while. 

“Yes. We should turn on the light,” said Bokuto.

“But what if it's sitting on the light switch?” said Kuroo to which nobody said anything for a while. Then Tsukishima seemed to have another brilliant idea.

“Wait a minute...” 

He turned his weird construction around and put the spatula-end through the slit. After a bit of fumbling, he had found the switch and the lights turned on. 

“You are so sexy when you're being crafty,” whispered Kuroo. 

“Thank you – there's really no need to be whispering, though.”

“Can anybody see it?” asked Bokuto, who was still scanning the room for signs of the moth. Tsukishima and Kuroo went back to pressing their eyes against the slit and finally Kuroo gasped.

“There!” he said. “Right on the shower curtain. It must have confused the print with real flowers.”

“What a stupid-ass moth,” laughed Bokuto. 

“Stupid ass, hahahahaha,” called Fuku-chan from somewhere out of sight, followed by a long fart-sound. “Bokutooo!”

Bokuto beamed. “I taught him that!”

“Didn't he just insult you, though?” said Kuroo. He had to grind his teeth to keep in his aggression and Tsukishima looked just as annoyed at hearing the bird speak again. This wasn't the time for concentrating on birds, though, as Akaashi reminded them.

“Forget Fuku-chan and get that thing before it pees on everything.”

“Alright.” Tsukishima took a deep breath. “Here we go.”

Slowly, carefully, he put the sieve through the door, hoping that the moth was too distracted by the fake flower to notice anything. On his left, Bokuto was gnawing on his fingernails and making nervous sounds.

“That looks way too dangerous,” he whispered. “Can't we just keep the light on and wait until it grills itself on the light bulb? It is a moth after all.”

“Yes, but who knows how long that would take,” said Kuroo. “You wouldn't be able to use the bathroom the whole time.”

“We could just use yours.”

“No, I'm not letting your naked ass close to Kenma anymore.”

Bokuto snorted. “Fine, then we'll use Tsukishima's.”

“I'm not letting your naked ass close to Yamaguchi, so fuck off. We're doing this. Now!” And he charged. The construction wasn't long enough to reach all the way to the shower curtain, so he had to actually open the door and take a step in. Apparently, that had been just the moment the moth had been waiting for, because it swiftly dodged the sieve and flew towards the door where Tsukishima was still standing with a surprised look on his face. The next second the surprised look was gone because a huge moth was covering it and it was the first time everyone present heard Tsukishima scream.

Ten minutes later, Akaashi climbed out of the kitchen cabinet he had hidden himself in. No one was screaming anymore, but Kuroo and Bokuto were knocking on the bedroom door, calling for Tsukishima to open up. Akaashi shuffled over to them while keeping an eye out for the moth. 

“It's guarding the front door,” said Kuroo when he noticed Akaashi. “I think it intends to let us starve.”

“Tsukishima locked himself in the bedroom?” asked Akaashi. 

“Yes, he's pretty upset.”

“How?”

Kuroo gave Akaashi a confused look. “Well... a giant insect flew in his face, anyone would be upset after that.”

“No, I mean... how did he lock himself in. Bokuto lost that key ages ago.”

“Oh,” said Bokuto. “You're right.” And he opened the door without any problem. Kuroo whacked him on the back of his head while passing him to join Tsukishima – or rather, the Tsukishima-shaped blanket on the bed. 

“Hey...” he said, softly. “It was eating pizza crumbs from my hair not too long ago, so I know how you feel, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima's head appeared at the top of the blanket and after a moment's consideration, he lifted the blanket to let Kuroo cuddle closer to him. 

“Why do you have pizza in your hair, anyway,” he sniffed. 

“I ran through a tower of pizza-cartons when I heard those two idiots scream,” explained Kuroo and Bokuto laughed at the mental picture.

“And since when do you have empty pizza cartons lying around, you neat freak?”

“Well, the old Nekoma team was visiting yesterday and I didn't get around to recycling them yet.”

“I see...” said Tsukishima. “Was Lev there?”

“Yes. You should have seen him – he's trying to grow a beard now. It's quite hilarious. I should've told him to say hello.”

“I'd like to see that.”

“Next time,” Kuroo promised. 

“I want to see it, too,” said Bokuto and jumped on the bed to sandwich Tsukishima between himself and Kuroo. For once, Tsukishima didn't protest. “And if you get shorty, we'll have the whole old clique together. Akaashi – come here!”

“There's no more space,” said Akaashi. 

“There's always space for you. Just close the door to keep the moth out, grab another blanket and we can build an impenetrable fort around Tsukki with our bodies,” said Kuroo and since Tsukishima didn't protest, Akaashi obliged. He closed the door, took a second blanket out of the closet and then plopped himself on top of Tsukishima, where he was welcomed by Bokuto's and Kuroo's arms. Tsukishima slowly blinked at him and Akaashi saw that he was all red in the face, though he couldn't tell if it was embarrassment from losing his cool earlier, the heat of being surrounded by three bodies and two blankets, or because their position was kind of intimate. Probably a mix of all three. 

“Am I too heavy?” he asked.

“Don't be stupid. You don't even weigh half as much as that moth,” scoffed Tsukishima and gained a more relaxed look on his face when Bokuto and Kuroo snickered against his neck from both sides. Akaashi smiled.

“Good, because this is really comfortable,” he said and leaned down to cuddle against Tsukishima's chest. “We should really do this more often.”

“I don't know – I'm just getting this uncomfortable feeling that I should be more productive than to have random naps in the middle of the afternoon,” said Tsukishima and Kuroo swatted at his thigh with one hand but only managed to slap Akaashi's ass.

“Just relax for one second of your life, Tsukki. It's a Sunday. The whole block is probably asleep.”

“Not after all the noise we made.”

“Then we're giving them a much needed time-out, okay? So close your eyes and relaaaaaax...”

Tsukishima obliged only after Kuroo had shut up his protest with a quick kiss on the lips. He closed his eyes and the other three followed suit. For a while there were no more sounds, except for their breathing. Not even Fuku-chan or Batman made noise outside the bedroom. Akaashi almost fell asleep like that. But only almost. Because two seconds before he peacefully drifted off to snooze-land, he was rudely woken by a groan underneath him.

“Bokuto, really?” sighed Tsukishima. Bokuto didn't even open his eyes while replying.

“So what? I can't help that.”

“This was just going to be an innocent nap, this time.”

“I know, I'm not objecting. Just ignore it.”

“Well, it's poking in my side!”

“I'm sure it will go away any second now, with your constant complaining.”

“Shhhhhh!” made Akaashi, like an angry librarian. Surprisingly enough, both of them shut up and tried to go back to sleep. It didn't last long, though. Just a few minutes later, he could hear Tsukishima complaining again.

“Okay, now you're definitely rocking against me.”

“Am not,” said Bokuto, even though Akaashi could feel him moving. 

“Are too! And now you're – ah!”

Akaashi finally opened his eyes to see what was going on and caught Bokuto pressing his mouth against Tsukishima's throat to suck on the soft, pale skin there. He didn't shush them this time. When he sneaked a glance at Kuroo, he noticed him watching with one eye, even though Akaashi had assumed he had fallen asleep. Then he felt Kuroo's hand moving on Tsukishima underneath him. 

Really now... Akaashi sighed internally. He should've known from the start where this would lead to. Well – not that he had any objections – he had quite enjoyed the last time this had happened and he really liked kissing Tsukishima, because he had never met a guy who was so in control of his salivary gland. Bokuto proved his point by leaving a wet trail across Tsukishima's throat – admittedly, his enthusiasm was kind of hot and Akaashi would never want to miss it, but it was still nice to sometimes kiss someone who cared about technique. Since it wouldn't do to just fantasize about it while the action had already started, Akaashi shifted his position a little so he could reach Tsukishima's lips without getting in Bokuto's way. 

Tsukishima looked up at him through half-lidded eyes, mouth slightly hanging open and Akaashi could only guess what Kuroo's hand was doing underneath the blankets. He could feel himself getting hard just looking at that face, so he quickly leaned down to catch Tsukishima's lips with his own, giving them a playful pull before diving in again and moving his lips against Tsukishima's in a quickly established rhythm. Kuroo hummed approvingly before he joined Bokuto on Tsukishima's throat and Akaashi got the pleasure of feeling the usually so stuck-up Tsukishima moan freely into his mouth. Okay – he was definitely fully hard now and Kuroo and Bokuto didn't seem unaffected either. Akaashi repositioned himself until he sat on Tsukishima's chest to give the two of them enough room to make out between Tsukishima and himself. Bokuto had started to be loud again and Kuroo gave a quick giggle.

“So much for giving your neighbors their much needed time-out,” he was able to throw in before Bokuto shut him up again. They fell back into their impossibly loud kissing and Akaashi realized that he actually liked the wet sounds that he would've found disgusting from anybody else. Tsukishima still seemed unable to fully concentrate on kissing him, even though this throat was free now, and Akaashi wondered again what Kuroo's hand was doing down there. 

“Hey, hey, hey!” sounded Bokuto's breathless voice, interrupting his kiss with Kuroo. “Don't finish him off yet – I want to blow Tsukishima.” He looked up at Akaashi. “If that's alright.”

Akaashi nodded while Tsukishima was back to complaining. “Shouldn't you be asking me that?”

“Sorry, Tsukishima – am I allowed to take your cock into my mouth and give you the sweetest pleasure you can imagine?”

“Just mind your teeth,” said Tsukishima, huffing and Bokuto grinned triumphantly.

“Akaashi, switch with me!”

Akaashi rolled down to Bokuto's side and watched how his boyfriend crouched down until his face was at the same level as Tsukishima's crotch. There was still a blanket in the way, though. Kuroo quickly got rid of it and Akaashi could finally see what had distracted Tsukishima so much: His pants were unbuttoned and his erection was clearly visible inside his underwear, through which Kuroo had been stroking him. A wet spot had already formed at the tip and Bokuto leaned down to teasingly kiss it. Tsukishima turned his face in Akaashi's direction, probably so he didn't have to look at Bokuto's smug face and Akaashi kissed him, even though he would have loved to look at Bokuto's smug face. 

“Shit...” gasped Tsukishima. It was really hot to hear him come undone like this, so Akaashi didn't want to occupy his mouth too much and tipped his chin with one finger to suck on his Adam's apple. “Shit.. shit. Shit. Shit shit shit shit shi-”

Akaashi furrowed his brows in confusion. Somehow, Tsukishima's voice had become really high, croaky and unsexy. Maybe he should shut him up after all... He only understood what had happened when he heard a long fart sound and a screamed “Bokutoooooo!”. Then something bodily collided with the bedroom door.

“Oh no!” he said. The other three had sat up in alarm and Bokuto was already falling out of the bed. 

“Fuku-chan!” he yelled. 

Akaashi could hear Kuroo whisper: “okay, that's it – the bird is TOAST!”, but he had no time to defend his cockatoo, because Bokuto was about to do something really stupid.

“Bokuto, don't open the door!” Akaashi yelled, but it was already too late. The moth came riding in on Fuku-chan's back as if it were riding a dragon. Bokuto dumbly watched them flying in a circle through the bedroom and all he apparently had to say about it was “awesome!”

Kuroo, luckily, was a quicker thinker. “Fuck, they collaborated! Hide under the blankets, if you want to live!” He was already spreading one of the blankets over them and Akaashi gladly pressed himself closer to Tsukishima to wholly fit under it. Tsukishima didn't move at all – he seemed to be seething.

“Sorry Akaashi, but your pet and your boyfriend are going to die in a freak accident in the next three days and Kuroo and I will have left the country by then.”

“I'll come with you,” promised Akaashi. He really did feel like wringing Bokuto's neck right now. Outside of their cover they could hear Bokuto crashing into things, so by the sound of it there wouldn't be much left of him to toss out of the window. 

“Are they playing pinball with him?” asked Kuroo when Bokuto rolled over the bed once and fell down on the other side, all the while screaming death threats. “Do you think we all have to die here?”

“It was nice knowing you,” said Akaashi.

“Thanks – it was nice knowing you, too.”

“God, shut up!” Tsukishima groaned at the same time as the bedroom door fell shut and the room was suddenly quiet again – which was more creepy than anything, because it could mean that Bokuto was dead.

“Do you think we should take a look?” whispered Kuroo. 

“I suppose,” said Tsukishima without much enthusiasm. They lifted the blanket just enough to peek over the top. A collectively held breath was released upon seeing Bokuto lean against the door, panting heavily. 

“I won!” he laughed when he saw them. He straightened up again, cracked his knuckles and beamed, not even noticing the three death glares sent his way. “So!” he said. “Let's get back to business?”

“NO!” bellowed three adamant voices and at the same time, three pillows came flying at him. Bokuto dodged every single one.

“Man, you guys are no fun.”

“Let's ignore him for now,” said Akaashi, because Kuroo and Tsukishima looked as if they were ready to jump out of the bed and beat his boyfriend to death with the pillows. “We still need a way to get rid of the bug.”

They sat quietly for a while, all of them trying to think of a solution that wouldn't involve burning the house down. Finally, Tsukishima sighed and let himself fall back on the bed. 

“Look... I don't really like my solution. I don't like it at all. But I see no other way,” he said with a pained expression. Kuroo and Akaashi shot him a curious look. “We need a special kind of people for this job. People who are just literally too stupid to be afraid of this monster.”

“And Bokuto doesn't count?” asked Kuroo. Everyone ignored the “hey!” from the door.

“No. I'm afraid this is a job for my next-door neighbors.”

…..

“It's so cute!”

Akaashi couldn't really believe that there was a person in this world who would say those words upon seeing a giant, hairy moth – especially if it was sitting on that person's hand and licking honey from it. But then again, Hinata wasn't even the weirdest acting person in his kitchen. Next to Hinata stood his roommate – Kageyama – who was looking at the bug with a look on his face that might have been interest, but also constipation. 

“Why did you glue wings to a rat?”

“It's a moth. God, Kageyama, you are still so stupid,” sighed Tsukishima, who currently held the top position of weird-acting person in the kitchen. He sat at the table, calm as a Zen-master and stirred a spoonful of sugar into a cup of tea that Akaashi hadn't even seen him making. There were no signs of him being even slightly afraid or grossed-out by the moth – he was just eyeing it with his usual air of haughtiness, as if he were too cool to even bother with it. 

“Shut up!” said Kageyama, face growing red. “This doesn't look anything like a moth. It's too big!”

“Hey, Kageyama, do you want to keep it as a pet?” asked Hinata excitedly. 

“No. There are no pets allowed in this block,” Tsukishima insisted just as Fuku-chan flew into the room to shout a round of “Shit shit shit!”

“What's this, then?” asked Kageyama.

“That's not a pet, that's a demon inhabiting the body of a penguin,” explained Kuroo.

“Oh,” said Kageyama. Akaashi was sure that he didn't want to keep the moth anyway. 

“Well, you can play with it for a while in your flat, that's why I called you here, so you're welcome and goodbye,” said Tsukishima, taking a sip of his tea and waving them away. Hinata bounced around Bokuto once more, basking in a wave of “you're awesome, shorty!”, before saying goodbye.

“I forgot that you can actually be nice sometimes,” he said to Tsukishima, even though Tsukishima's frown didn't really express any niceness at the moment. Then he was out of the door and Kageyama followed him with a last, unsure wave to the group staying in the kitchen. 

Before the door shut behind them, they could hear Kageyama say: “Maybe this rat can reach the stinking cheese you dropped behind the washing machine.” Then they were gone and the flat was suddenly mothless.

Akaashi took a deep, relaxing breath.

“Well,” he said. “That's it then. We're free.”

“Not yet,” said Tsukishima. “There's still one last thing to take care of.”

“What?”

“We need to look up the number of the next animal shelter and drop off that shitty bird,” said Kuroo.

“And Bokuto,” said Tsukishima.

“And Bokuto,” Akaashi agreed. 

“You guys really are mean.”

 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> So... somehow my "quick and short" one shot became a 15page monster with an almost-smut part. I have no explanation. I apologize for the stupidity. By the way, this story has like 20% of truth to it, since I like writing from experience - I'm still looking for a way to incorporate the time I was locked in the supermarket with a bag of fish-guts on my part time job and only got out after I got surrounded by ten policemen who thought I was stealing milk into fanfiction. Anyway, I can say from experience that huge moths like this actually do exist and they actually do fly into unsuspecting people's flats, but they are mostly undisturbed by screaming and being chased by spatula-sieve-constructions, so. Cockatoos really do have no chill though.


End file.
